I have this little voice popping up in my head telling me that I can’t do this new job I am taking in the Fall. It wants to rob me of my peace and slowly chip away at my confidence until I am in full agreement and a complete and utter mess. Should I get to that state it will mean I won’t be able to do the job. ( I have a medical condition as a result of my cancer recovery and it can be made significantly worse with stress)
I am starting to have these moments of “what if” panic; one-two seconds of losing my breath and catching it again as the final decisions are made and the time approaches about the job. In my heart of hearts, I know I can do this. I know it will make me a much happier person because since I graduated with my degree I knew this is what I wanted to do. I am doing work I enjoy but that path changed a little on the way. I am okay with that but now I have the opportunity to do what I think I really want to do.
The next five months I am going to have to work really hard on building myself up and not allowing myself to worry about something that may never happen. It seems so clear in this situation. Why would I mentally torment myself for months cause myself anxiety and stress which will lead to physical symptoms regarding something that may never happen? I can’t tell you the amount to time and energy ( years) I have spent worrying about the exact same scenario but about my health.
What is most interesting and what I am learning is that I have completely control of how I want this situation to unfold. I can allow the chipping and ultimate fail of something I really want or I can take control and have what I want. Really, the choice is basically mine. Of course this is not going to be a walk in the park but I know something now I didn’t know before and that is I have a choice here. I have some control over this situation and for a control freak that is comforting.