I thought it may come at some point, I mean no child is perfect, although I always feel my children are. I wasn’t sure what form it would come in. The greatest fear was that it would be drugs. I had a plan for that. I would re mortgage my house and get them in the best treatment program ever. I wondered what would happen if that didn’t take and funds ran out. I knew then I would have to let them go and hope they returned alive and not broken beyond repair. That would hurt, it would be devastating.
I thought it may come in the form of just simply moving away to college or a job and that may happen yet. He is young. I would miss them, it would be difficult.
I thought it would come in the form of a girl. Actually, I was sure it would be a girl. When you are the most important female in their life for the first 18 years and along comes a girl, any girl, there is going to be trouble.
Now, if, she is the perfect girl, that I love and he does too and of course she loves me, then problem diverted. But just like us ladies we are going to kiss a lot of frogs before we find the prince.
The problem is boys are going to kiss the girls and put their moms on the back burner while doing so. And as a Mom you are going to see all the wrong frogs for your son and there is nothing you can do about it. But yet, what you do is get angry with your son.
You see things they can’t and you try to communicate it to them. You get angry because what feels like all of the sudden their priorities are all messed up. They say things to you that you are sure are the words of the “girlfriend”. It all comes to a head and you realize you have lost, you have lost. You have lost influence over their lives. Okay, maybe, let me try to call it what you are thinking, you have lost control. I can’t just tell him what to do and he will do it. He use to be so compliant. Now, he fights me, it feels like at every turn, every direction. AND NOW he is OLD ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY CALL ME OUT! WTF!
You invest every cell of your being into a child ( your children) and you love them so much. And now you are so angry with their choices and decisions and at the same time you are trying to protect them from making mistakes, emotional ones, educational ones, financial ones. And you are just left feeling hurt as they get in the car that you bought them to spend Father’s Day with another family.
You want to say “I gave up my life for you, I live for you. Every decision I ever made, I thought about your best interest” AND now I am the mean Mom, the not understanding Mom, the Mom who doesn’t get it, the Mom that rides your ass, the Mom who speaks with attitude. “ Do you hear yourself?”, he says to me “This is the reason I don’t want to be here”. <heart stab, stab, stab> My son doesn’t want to be with me. It hurts. It fucking hurts.