Younger Self

My oldest son turns 16 years old tomorrow. Milestones, like this one get you thinking about how much time has gone by and of course how quickly times goes by. When Nick was born I fell head over heels in love. Literally! Who knew what joy a little version of yourself, offspring could be. I don’t think my mother loved me like that but who knows. I am glad I loved like that.

Looking through some photos of him as a baby I came across this one.

(no make up, no filters, smiling 🙂 , in love)

Nick Baby

I was a bit sad to see a spark in my eye that I didn’t see in a recent selfie I had taken of myself.

15 years plus a few months later……

(Recent Selfie-no make up Monday, no filters, no smile )

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At first, I felt sad about that missing spark I perceived. Ultimately, I know I am really just being hard on myself. Then, I wondered, what would I tell this younger version of myself today and so I wrote..

You knew the moment you found out you were pregnant what a special love you had and the joy that followed was more than you imagined. While you already knew life wasn’t all rainbows and pink cotton candy. You knew the birth of a child, your child was a new beginning, a new start. An opportunity, to love and experience love, a complete unconditional love. In the moments, right after birth, you knew it wasn’t just about you anymore. Your child first and your were second and that was perfectly okay. Most things you worried about before the birth, were not nearly as important. What a relief that was. A fresh breeze. A state of happiness. Your child’s happiness, well being and upbringing was in the forefront. Your mission was to raise a child that knew he was loved and cared for, no matter what. Something, you didn’t feel you had. Your mission was to raise a child that would have no fear showing affection, crawling into bed with you, never would he be afraid or doubt your love. Your child would have know a loving, kind mother. A mother who’s  eyes brightened when you walked in the room and wouldn’t hesitate to scoop you up in open welcoming arms.

You never knew that a couple years later you would be in the fight of your life. That the shock of such news would shake you to your very core. You didn’t know that your children would be the ones that gave you purpose to rise every morning. You had a mission! Your children needed you.

Shaken to the core you were. You had no idea the long term effects socially, emotionally and physically. But you fought, fought, fought and continue to fight! Fall down seven times, get up eight.

While some of your carefree innocence and spark faded with your fight, your love for your children only grew, your life adventures multiplied, you pushed through fear after fear and you learned to be truly grateful, less self-fish and have compassion and kindness for others. The mission you set for motherhood never faulted, didn’t fail. The gratitude you have for each day with your children  makes your heart overflow. Your relationship with God and faith is solid.

Your spark maybe more cautious and more mature with riding the waves of life but I’m proud of you. Maturity, isn’t all the bad. Don’t ever let anyone take away from you your struggles, your victories, for they know not the shoes you wore. Be grateful for those who shared the road. Continue to be grateful and celebrate all occasions in style.  Continue with your Mom mission you are doing a great job!

 

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February Ramblings

January 2016 was a month of being in a total funk. Once I took down the Christmas decorations I took on the winter blues. I went to work, came home and went to bed and worked some more. Thankfully, that month is over and the sun it sitting a little higher in the sky and my spirits are starting to pick up. January is definitely the most depressing month of the year.

February has already been so much better! We purchased a new travel trailer for camping season. I am definitely in the full glamping category now. It is a mini cottage on wheels. We also have more social events planned with our friends. AND! Spring is not too far now. ( I am not thinking about the fact that I am off work today because we are going to get walloped by a blizzard, nope DENIAL)

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OH! and we are going to BAHAMAS in March. ( I hear the winds starting to blow outside.) How can you not  be excited by that?

I also won a $150.00 gift card from a RICKI’S RATE and REVIEW contest. Looking forward to new Spring clothing line and a little shopping spree!

So that is the exciting stuff, the not so exciting stuff….

I had to cancel my  monthly IPSY bag to make way for the payments on the new trailer. I really loved getting that bag of goodies every month. I may look at TOPBOX in the future as it is in Canadian dollars and a cheaper monthly cost and no US exchange to worry about.

My oldest son (almost 16) and his girlfriend broke up. I honestly, think it was for the best.   He needs to be enjoying his high school days and he was a hermit at home. No one likes to see their child hurting but it is part of the experience of eventually finding the perfect one.

Health wise physically and mentally, I am doing good. I had some routine blood work done and have my yearly mammogram coming up and my colonoscopy. Any medical appointment or test is anxiety provoking but I just keep pressing forward and believing in GOD that everything comes back clean,clear and demonstrating perfect health.

Today is hubs birthday and I made a crazy ass cake for the celebration. He likes these complicated multi layer cakes. Here is the pic.

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Here is me embracing my laugh lines. It is not easy when you start to see signs of aging on your face but at the same time I am grateful to be aging as many don’t ever get the chance. Embracing aging is challenging for me as some of my identity is in young and pretty. Can you be older and pretty?

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When am I going to grow up?….Hell, who am I kidding I don’t want to.

IMG_0019_2My birthday is tomorrow (oops I was just informed it is not tomorrow, its the next day ) chronologically if we are counting I am turning 41, oops I mean 42. Yes, I will be 42 and I have no intentions of acting my age any time soon. Honestly, it feels like my oldest who is 15 is catching up in age to me. He graduates middle school and goes to Jr. prom this year. I still have my Jr. prom dress in a closet around here somewhere. I am still with the boy I went to Jr. prom with.

Here are a few mottos: keep up with technology, keep with the latest music ( i am stoked for the Billboard Awards and seeing Britney and Iggy- I am so rooting for Britney!!!), keep up with what the young people are doing

( okay, so that last one is to keep tabs on my own teens).

I have to confess I am losing ground with the celebrity starlets and youth shows, the interest is just not there for me. Yeah, I am more mature then I think. Cat fights, fighting over boys and jealous over-privileged teens on TV are not entertaining to me.

Okay,  I have a few clothing limits too: short skirts, short shorts, midriff tops, crack exposing jeans and a few stores I won’t shop Garage, Hollister, Aeropostale, Victoria’s Secret PINK. I do however, love American Eagle and ROXY brand. Not giving those up.

I will be a a responsible parent and act my age in my profession and in some public places and events. But on my own time I will sing and dance to DEMI, wear leggings and knee socks, pink streak my hair, wear crazy make-up, sing karaoke on my computer, body surf the waves at the beach, buy an AE dress, snapchat ( I don’t but I could if I wanted), have a girlfriend sleepover, wear sparkles, and whatever else I feel like doing. Don’t put me in a box and tell me I have to act and be a certain way because of how old I am chronically.

Birthdays are not about the number ( although I am grateful for each year I have here on earth) they are a celebration of your life from the past year and going forward.

“Happy Birthday dear MOM… Happy Birthday to you.”

“Blow out your candles and make a wish”

I take a breath in, lean over my cake and wish for health and happiness for my family and me.

‘NOW LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED QUICKLY”