16! and ready to drive..Yikes!

For some reason I thought when my kids turned 16 they would just instantly know how to drive a car. I mean I taught them to feed, clothe and wipe their asses I figured I get a break on teaching them how to drive. But no, they don’t know how to drive automatically and you have to teach them.

I don’t remember learning how to drive, I got in the car and drove. I am sure someone taught me something but driving becomes so automatic you just get in the vehicle and drive. For the record, I did take driving lessons, that I had to pay for because my parents wouldn’t and if I didn’t take the lessons my mother wasn’t going to let me drive. AND I WAS GOING TO DRIVE. Driving was the first taste of FREEDOM, FREEDOM.

But I digress. Sitting in the vehicle with your 16 year old and knowing he has the potential to kill you…death by car accident going less than 40km is darn right FRIGING scary.  All these years you though you would be the one to kill them in their teens year, with ya know, the many challenges of raising a teen and then I (we) give them a car to DRIVE! with US in it and WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO DO THIS MORE THEN ONCE.

One of our first lessons is me teaching him reaction time. In order for me to feel an ounce of safety I need to know he can SLAM on that break quickly and not hit the gas accidentally. So picture this, Nick driving the Mom van…. and I call out break every so often… “break! …go…..break…..go…break…. go”.  Not bad… let’s take it on the road, well to the end of the cul da sac. He is driving…… GAS!! GAS!!! I shout. WTF MOM??? I mean BREAK! BREAK!. Enough for today.

I don’t know why you think that by gripping the arm rest of the passenger seat that it is going to save you in any way from his ridiculously fast right and left turns but somehow you are willing the car with all your brain power to make the turn, GOD PLEASE MAKE THIS TURN!! With OUT KILLING US OR THE CHILD ON THE BIKE! More importantly the child on the bike.

One day I decided I would give him the blizzard test.  What is this you ask?  No, I wasn’t assumulating a snow storm.   Before switching him to the drivers seat I purchased a blizzard from DQ. I was preparing for a nice relaxing enjoyable ride while enjoying my peanut something or other blizzard. I figured if he passed this test he was ready to graduate from the subdivisions and on to the roads with actual traffic and more then one car every 5-10 minutes.  I don’t even remember eating the darn thing. It was more like shovelling….. of peanuts and ice-cream into in my mouth to prevent me from screaming and crunching those poor little bastard peanuts to fine dust. I just had a thought! A stress ball!!!

He is getting better, especially when I am not in the car. Wonder why this is? Anyways, time to leave this job for the professionals. I could scar him for life and then he would never be able to leave home drive a car.

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Younger Self

My oldest son turns 16 years old tomorrow. Milestones, like this one get you thinking about how much time has gone by and of course how quickly times goes by. When Nick was born I fell head over heels in love. Literally! Who knew what joy a little version of yourself, offspring could be. I don’t think my mother loved me like that but who knows. I am glad I loved like that.

Looking through some photos of him as a baby I came across this one.

(no make up, no filters, smiling 🙂 , in love)

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I was a bit sad to see a spark in my eye that I didn’t see in a recent selfie I had taken of myself.

15 years plus a few months later……

(Recent Selfie-no make up Monday, no filters, no smile )

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At first, I felt sad about that missing spark I perceived. Ultimately, I know I am really just being hard on myself. Then, I wondered, what would I tell this younger version of myself today and so I wrote..

You knew the moment you found out you were pregnant what a special love you had and the joy that followed was more than you imagined. While you already knew life wasn’t all rainbows and pink cotton candy. You knew the birth of a child, your child was a new beginning, a new start. An opportunity, to love and experience love, a complete unconditional love. In the moments, right after birth, you knew it wasn’t just about you anymore. Your child first and your were second and that was perfectly okay. Most things you worried about before the birth, were not nearly as important. What a relief that was. A fresh breeze. A state of happiness. Your child’s happiness, well being and upbringing was in the forefront. Your mission was to raise a child that knew he was loved and cared for, no matter what. Something, you didn’t feel you had. Your mission was to raise a child that would have no fear showing affection, crawling into bed with you, never would he be afraid or doubt your love. Your child would have know a loving, kind mother. A mother who’s  eyes brightened when you walked in the room and wouldn’t hesitate to scoop you up in open welcoming arms.

You never knew that a couple years later you would be in the fight of your life. That the shock of such news would shake you to your very core. You didn’t know that your children would be the ones that gave you purpose to rise every morning. You had a mission! Your children needed you.

Shaken to the core you were. You had no idea the long term effects socially, emotionally and physically. But you fought, fought, fought and continue to fight! Fall down seven times, get up eight.

While some of your carefree innocence and spark faded with your fight, your love for your children only grew, your life adventures multiplied, you pushed through fear after fear and you learned to be truly grateful, less self-fish and have compassion and kindness for others. The mission you set for motherhood never faulted, didn’t fail. The gratitude you have for each day with your children  makes your heart overflow. Your relationship with God and faith is solid.

Your spark maybe more cautious and more mature with riding the waves of life but I’m proud of you. Maturity, isn’t all the bad. Don’t ever let anyone take away from you your struggles, your victories, for they know not the shoes you wore. Be grateful for those who shared the road. Continue to be grateful and celebrate all occasions in style.  Continue with your Mom mission you are doing a great job!

 

February Ramblings

January 2016 was a month of being in a total funk. Once I took down the Christmas decorations I took on the winter blues. I went to work, came home and went to bed and worked some more. Thankfully, that month is over and the sun it sitting a little higher in the sky and my spirits are starting to pick up. January is definitely the most depressing month of the year.

February has already been so much better! We purchased a new travel trailer for camping season. I am definitely in the full glamping category now. It is a mini cottage on wheels. We also have more social events planned with our friends. AND! Spring is not too far now. ( I am not thinking about the fact that I am off work today because we are going to get walloped by a blizzard, nope DENIAL)

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OH! and we are going to BAHAMAS in March. ( I hear the winds starting to blow outside.) How can you not  be excited by that?

I also won a $150.00 gift card from a RICKI’S RATE and REVIEW contest. Looking forward to new Spring clothing line and a little shopping spree!

So that is the exciting stuff, the not so exciting stuff….

I had to cancel my  monthly IPSY bag to make way for the payments on the new trailer. I really loved getting that bag of goodies every month. I may look at TOPBOX in the future as it is in Canadian dollars and a cheaper monthly cost and no US exchange to worry about.

My oldest son (almost 16) and his girlfriend broke up. I honestly, think it was for the best.   He needs to be enjoying his high school days and he was a hermit at home. No one likes to see their child hurting but it is part of the experience of eventually finding the perfect one.

Health wise physically and mentally, I am doing good. I had some routine blood work done and have my yearly mammogram coming up and my colonoscopy. Any medical appointment or test is anxiety provoking but I just keep pressing forward and believing in GOD that everything comes back clean,clear and demonstrating perfect health.

Today is hubs birthday and I made a crazy ass cake for the celebration. He likes these complicated multi layer cakes. Here is the pic.

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Here is me embracing my laugh lines. It is not easy when you start to see signs of aging on your face but at the same time I am grateful to be aging as many don’t ever get the chance. Embracing aging is challenging for me as some of my identity is in young and pretty. Can you be older and pretty?

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I Don’t Make New Year Resolutions Volume 2

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I don’t make specific New Year resolutions because I know you can’t keep them just as I know diets don’t work. With every loss cell of collagen as you get older you actually do get wiser. Cost, benefit relationship.

As the kids get older the parenting gets less  intense, less hands on. They get more expensive, I wasn’t quite expecting that. They don’t need me like they use to. That brings about some sadness but at the same time I enjoy their independence. They need to be independent, honestly, before you know it they will be flying the coop. They need to know how to survive. I need to call off the helicopter and active the GSP. I will be broken hearted. Which is why I also must prepare and begin working on my life after kids. Saying that, I so wish I could freeze time. We are all at the perfect age. They need me but not too much, they are great to travel with, they can be left alone for periods of time, they are still young ducklings, not too grown up yet but able to make themselves a sandwich and not starve.

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So, why and I talking about my boys in this “I don’t make new year’s resolution post? ”

Because I want to freeze time. I have had an amazing year. I feel that despite the challenges I have, I have pushed through, maybe this year the pushes were less or the door wasn’t always as heavy. I just know that I am happy most of the time and I  am not afraid all of the time.

Aside from jetting off to live in some tropical destination to pursue my dreams of acting and singing. Splitting my time between living off the grid and in the penthouse in Las Vegas. Being happy most of the time and not afraid all the time is good enough. I will take it! Good enough is great. I did the hard work and the past year feels like a reward.

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Since I am not Elsa, from Frozen and I can not freeze time, only my fingers on the steering wheel. I know this year is coming to an end on the calendar. My boys will keep growing which makes me sad but I am excited about the adventures we will all have as a family.

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So once again for 2016 I declare…….

I declare I will be free from anxiety and fear.

I declare I will be an active mother to my children.

I declare I will raise Godly sons filled with love, kindness, gifts and talents.

I declare I will have a loving, vulnerable, fun marriage with my husband.

I declare I will have a happy, comfortable home that brings joy and peace to my family and friends.

I declare I will make a difference in the lives of children, leading them to their gifts and talents. Showing them that they can move above and beyond their circumstances.

I declare I will travel to new places and experience the world and activities that God has created for us to enjoy here on earth.

I declare longevity for my life.

I declare perfect divine health, free from all sickness, illness, infirmities, cancers for me and my family.

I declare I will have a true kindred spirit best friend.

I declare I will use my voice in song to bring others in the presence of God.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

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Updates

I am loving teaching grade 3 but boy have I been busy. I am putting in about 9-11 hour days and weekends too. Since this is my first time back in a classroom in a long while it is taking lots of planning, prep and learning the curriculum. Not to mention that I am completely spent at the end of the day.

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I am looking forward to things starting to slow at school  and embracing the holiday season. I feel like the Fall has flown by so quickly I can’t even recall what I have been doing for fun.  That is sad.

In September, we were able to get in two more camping weekends. That was great as it felt like we extended the Summer holiday by a few weeks.

My husband and I celebrated our 20th anniversary with a big party at the house. The best part was we hired a DJ and had a fun evening of dancing on the deck. I threw the party together in only a few weeks. So I really didn’t have time to do lots of fun decorating. We had to order a lot of food and the DJ was costly so we kept everything else pretty simple. The weather didn’t cooperate for me that well either, as the party was planned as an out door event and it showered on and off all day. The rain did stop and we did spend the good part outside where the DJ was but it was damp and not a warm summer evening. That was a little disappointing. I tend to obsess about the weather in the Summer. I don’t think I have hardly looked at a forecast since.

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We also attended a few house parties of good friends and had a nice dinner out at one of my favourite places to eat. It has great food and atmosphere.

We stayed home for Thanksgiving and had a nice home cooked turkey dinner with family. We have gone camping the last few years so it was nice  to stay home and have a warm everything.

Halloween was pretty uneventful. My oldest spent the night at his girlfriends house and my youngest went out for short time and then had a friend over night. We scooted off to a house party for a few hours.

I recently had a weekend away shopping with my Mom and sister. It was a good weekend away and I loved staying in a hotel room all by myself. I usually hate hotels but this was a very nice one and it was so comfortable. I did get a good amount of Christmas Shopping done.

And now we are in the holiday season and all the wonderful events and activities that happen at this time of year. As like many of us I am finding it hard to get it all done.

I have started a medication trial for my bathroom “issues”. I am really hoping this is going to work for me. It doesn’t work for everyone and of course there could be side effects but I am hopeful.

I hope to write more over the holiday. Even if I could commit to once a week I wouldn’t feel  like I was neglecting my blog so miserably. Maybe I will add that to the New Year Resolution list.

A Year in Review

IMG_6334It is my blog one year anniversary month.

The greatest challenge and change for me this last year was starting a new position at work . I went from a special needs teacher/coordinator to teaching grade 3 and having a class all of my own. The change was a personal challenge because of my medical needs. I worked with a therapist and an occupational therapist  for a few months to help me prepare for the change.  I am happy to say that I am doing well in my new job and my stress is significantly reduced.

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We also finished our basement and created a warm and inviting family room. I am really happy with the outcome.  I continue to decorate and will do the reveal one of these days.

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I am most happy when I am outside. We got lots of camping in this year and had some great walks and hikes. Sometimes my “issues”, yes let’s call it “issues for now on, prevent me from getting out sometimes and that really frustrates me. My therapist says I need to be kinder to myself when my “issues” prevent me from doing what I want. I am working on that.

I have probably doubled or even tripled my make up collection in the last year.

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I was one proud Mother when my son graduated from Jr. high and he had his jr. prom.

Prom

Our big trip this year was Vegas and seeing Britney Spears in concerts. We also did some local travelling.

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Staycation

I feel blessed to have a strong core of friends and a supportive family.

I celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary.

A big accomplishment for me this year was with the scale and diets.  I stopped weighing myself nearly everyday and go weeks without stepping on the scale. I can say with certainty that diets don’t work. I spent my 30’s going up and down on the scale with the same 10lbs and I am done with that. I am me, this is me and I am happy with me. I am active, healthy and happy. I can live with being a size 10.

This year going forward I continue to pray for health, happiness, growth and personal adventure. Never stop believing, never give up hope, live in the moment, move forward, live adventure, never allow dullness in your life, never act your age, don’t allow anyone to put you in a box and tell you have to act or be a certain way. These are the inspirations for my life and my blog.

Here is to another year of happy life, happy blogging!

Lessons Learned About Marriage

IMG_6417This month my husband and I celebrated our 20th Wedding Anniversary. Here is what I have learned over the last 20 years.

*Dont ever call each other names that are hurtful or say something to the other person with the intention to hurt them.

*Be respectful of each other at all times. Just because he/she is there doesn’t mean you take it out on them.

*Don’t go to bed angry. You need to talk it out. Even if it means staying up all night.

*Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and teach him/her how to treat you the right way.

*Call each other out. It doesn’t need to turn into a big fight. Some times it is just a WFT look?

*Get to know each other really well. But i do draw the line at one brushing teeth and one on the toilet at the same time. NOPE can’t go there.

*Be at complete ease with each other.

*Share  similar values on family, parenting, finances and dreams for the future.

*Have a core group of friends.

*Laugh together and at yourself and at him too. Humour can defuse a situation and help you see how insignificant an argument maybe. Cracking up together is great intimacy.

*Never lie to each other, even by omission.

*Celebrate birthday’s, holidays and anniversaries.

*Take care of yourself for you, when you feel good about yourself you can be more confident in your relationship.

*Know you could walk out tomorrow and be completely financially independent. ( But yet you choose to stay)

*You will day dream about walking out and hopping on an airplane to take you far away. You will plan the journey. ( But yet you stay)

*There will be ups and downs and more ups and downs and ups and downs. Ride them even when you don’t think you can for one more minute.

*He takes care of his family issues, you take care of yours.

*Live by this “What God has joined let no man separate”

*Love each other none is perfect including you.

Deal Breakers 

Abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, emotional)

An affair ( I just don’t think I could get over it and therefore it wouldn’t be fair to him)