It is that time of year again!

It is that time of year again when I am planning a beach camping vacation and I need to purchase a swim suit. Last year it was a well thought out plan but one I wasn’t looking forward to. I am completely the person that will compare my body with those immediately around me and if they are slimmer then me I automatically cut myself down to the size of a grain of sand. My self worth becomes non-existence because I dump on myself for not being thin as well. (so keeping my fingers crossed for the exploration with body positivity)

I wasn’t planning to buying a swim suit yesterday but I made my way over to the rack anyways and said “why the hell not, maybe I will get lucky”.

Get Lucky

 

And I DID! Maybe it was because my goal going into the dressing room was I will be happy if they just fit, they don’t have to look good, they just have to fit. With goal one in check, I started to check out all the other angles and of course looked to play up the assets and down play the mid-section. Check points on both and I went home with 2 new bathing suits that are very comfortable. I even purchased a panty style bottom which I rarely purchase or wear, I am a skirt bottom kind of girl.

I have to confess the bathing suit I purchased last year looks good but it is like getting into a SPANX. After I wrestle with the top and figure out which way is the front and get the straps situated, I want to fall exhausted on the bed.  I didn’t wear this suit once when I was in the Bahamas this Spring. There is no last minute, “let’s go for a swim” and just toss on your swim suit. It takes time and patience and you need air conditioning blasting on you because look out if you are hot and sweating this suit is not going on easy.

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Off to the beach I go……

 

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Body Positivity Movement

I am joining the body positivity movement. I am optimistic that I can embrace the positivity. I am not getting any younger or thinner and starving myself is out of the question. I know very little about body positivity. I have been hating my body for pretty much all my life but mostly since I was about 25, so that is almost 20 years of hating my body and putting all myself worth into how flat my stomach is or is not, which it is not flat by any means. I have an arm load of reasons I am not getting skinny and why my muffin top is not shrinking. I loath my muffin top and now I am adding my upper arms to what I hate about my body. Okay, back fat too, I hate that as well, but see it less often since  it is behind me. See where this is going?

Here is my arm load of reasons (some may call excuses) why I am not getting skinny

  1. hyperthyroid
  2. menopause at 3o
  3. whacked out hormones
  4. IBS diet
  5. diets don’t work, I have done lots ( WW, clean eating, no carbs, reduced carbs, paleo, LA weight loss and the list continues, I have lost and gained the same 15 lbs I don’t know what many times)
  6. I have overcome too much shit in my life to never have ice-cream and birthday cake again
  7. I have many habits of “skinny” eaters and I still have a muffin top

 

I am sure there are a few more, if I want to spend the brain power thinking about them and no …..one of the reasons is not because I am lazy, unhealthy, unmotivated and overweight and making excuses.

Enter….. body positivity which to my understanding will help me blast these some of these myths and misconceptions  and once and for all I will love my body and appreciate all the does for me. Let the journey begin.

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Younger Self

My oldest son turns 16 years old tomorrow. Milestones, like this one get you thinking about how much time has gone by and of course how quickly times goes by. When Nick was born I fell head over heels in love. Literally! Who knew what joy a little version of yourself, offspring could be. I don’t think my mother loved me like that but who knows. I am glad I loved like that.

Looking through some photos of him as a baby I came across this one.

(no make up, no filters, smiling 🙂 , in love)

Nick Baby

I was a bit sad to see a spark in my eye that I didn’t see in a recent selfie I had taken of myself.

15 years plus a few months later……

(Recent Selfie-no make up Monday, no filters, no smile )

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At first, I felt sad about that missing spark I perceived. Ultimately, I know I am really just being hard on myself. Then, I wondered, what would I tell this younger version of myself today and so I wrote..

You knew the moment you found out you were pregnant what a special love you had and the joy that followed was more than you imagined. While you already knew life wasn’t all rainbows and pink cotton candy. You knew the birth of a child, your child was a new beginning, a new start. An opportunity, to love and experience love, a complete unconditional love. In the moments, right after birth, you knew it wasn’t just about you anymore. Your child first and your were second and that was perfectly okay. Most things you worried about before the birth, were not nearly as important. What a relief that was. A fresh breeze. A state of happiness. Your child’s happiness, well being and upbringing was in the forefront. Your mission was to raise a child that knew he was loved and cared for, no matter what. Something, you didn’t feel you had. Your mission was to raise a child that would have no fear showing affection, crawling into bed with you, never would he be afraid or doubt your love. Your child would have know a loving, kind mother. A mother who’s  eyes brightened when you walked in the room and wouldn’t hesitate to scoop you up in open welcoming arms.

You never knew that a couple years later you would be in the fight of your life. That the shock of such news would shake you to your very core. You didn’t know that your children would be the ones that gave you purpose to rise every morning. You had a mission! Your children needed you.

Shaken to the core you were. You had no idea the long term effects socially, emotionally and physically. But you fought, fought, fought and continue to fight! Fall down seven times, get up eight.

While some of your carefree innocence and spark faded with your fight, your love for your children only grew, your life adventures multiplied, you pushed through fear after fear and you learned to be truly grateful, less self-fish and have compassion and kindness for others. The mission you set for motherhood never faulted, didn’t fail. The gratitude you have for each day with your children  makes your heart overflow. Your relationship with God and faith is solid.

Your spark maybe more cautious and more mature with riding the waves of life but I’m proud of you. Maturity, isn’t all the bad. Don’t ever let anyone take away from you your struggles, your victories, for they know not the shoes you wore. Be grateful for those who shared the road. Continue to be grateful and celebrate all occasions in style.  Continue with your Mom mission you are doing a great job!

 

I Don’t Make New Year Resolutions Volume 2

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I don’t make specific New Year resolutions because I know you can’t keep them just as I know diets don’t work. With every loss cell of collagen as you get older you actually do get wiser. Cost, benefit relationship.

As the kids get older the parenting gets less  intense, less hands on. They get more expensive, I wasn’t quite expecting that. They don’t need me like they use to. That brings about some sadness but at the same time I enjoy their independence. They need to be independent, honestly, before you know it they will be flying the coop. They need to know how to survive. I need to call off the helicopter and active the GSP. I will be broken hearted. Which is why I also must prepare and begin working on my life after kids. Saying that, I so wish I could freeze time. We are all at the perfect age. They need me but not too much, they are great to travel with, they can be left alone for periods of time, they are still young ducklings, not too grown up yet but able to make themselves a sandwich and not starve.

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So, why and I talking about my boys in this “I don’t make new year’s resolution post? ”

Because I want to freeze time. I have had an amazing year. I feel that despite the challenges I have, I have pushed through, maybe this year the pushes were less or the door wasn’t always as heavy. I just know that I am happy most of the time and I  am not afraid all of the time.

Aside from jetting off to live in some tropical destination to pursue my dreams of acting and singing. Splitting my time between living off the grid and in the penthouse in Las Vegas. Being happy most of the time and not afraid all the time is good enough. I will take it! Good enough is great. I did the hard work and the past year feels like a reward.

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Since I am not Elsa, from Frozen and I can not freeze time, only my fingers on the steering wheel. I know this year is coming to an end on the calendar. My boys will keep growing which makes me sad but I am excited about the adventures we will all have as a family.

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So once again for 2016 I declare…….

I declare I will be free from anxiety and fear.

I declare I will be an active mother to my children.

I declare I will raise Godly sons filled with love, kindness, gifts and talents.

I declare I will have a loving, vulnerable, fun marriage with my husband.

I declare I will have a happy, comfortable home that brings joy and peace to my family and friends.

I declare I will make a difference in the lives of children, leading them to their gifts and talents. Showing them that they can move above and beyond their circumstances.

I declare I will travel to new places and experience the world and activities that God has created for us to enjoy here on earth.

I declare longevity for my life.

I declare perfect divine health, free from all sickness, illness, infirmities, cancers for me and my family.

I declare I will have a true kindred spirit best friend.

I declare I will use my voice in song to bring others in the presence of God.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

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A Year in Review

IMG_6334It is my blog one year anniversary month.

The greatest challenge and change for me this last year was starting a new position at work . I went from a special needs teacher/coordinator to teaching grade 3 and having a class all of my own. The change was a personal challenge because of my medical needs. I worked with a therapist and an occupational therapist  for a few months to help me prepare for the change.  I am happy to say that I am doing well in my new job and my stress is significantly reduced.

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We also finished our basement and created a warm and inviting family room. I am really happy with the outcome.  I continue to decorate and will do the reveal one of these days.

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I am most happy when I am outside. We got lots of camping in this year and had some great walks and hikes. Sometimes my “issues”, yes let’s call it “issues for now on, prevent me from getting out sometimes and that really frustrates me. My therapist says I need to be kinder to myself when my “issues” prevent me from doing what I want. I am working on that.

I have probably doubled or even tripled my make up collection in the last year.

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I was one proud Mother when my son graduated from Jr. high and he had his jr. prom.

Prom

Our big trip this year was Vegas and seeing Britney Spears in concerts. We also did some local travelling.

Vegas

Staycation

I feel blessed to have a strong core of friends and a supportive family.

I celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary.

A big accomplishment for me this year was with the scale and diets.  I stopped weighing myself nearly everyday and go weeks without stepping on the scale. I can say with certainty that diets don’t work. I spent my 30’s going up and down on the scale with the same 10lbs and I am done with that. I am me, this is me and I am happy with me. I am active, healthy and happy. I can live with being a size 10.

This year going forward I continue to pray for health, happiness, growth and personal adventure. Never stop believing, never give up hope, live in the moment, move forward, live adventure, never allow dullness in your life, never act your age, don’t allow anyone to put you in a box and tell you have to act or be a certain way. These are the inspirations for my life and my blog.

Here is to another year of happy life, happy blogging!

Positivity Tag

Hello!!Photo on 2015-08-13 at 3.30 PM #4I am following in Katie’s footsteps today at Plus+Beauty Blog to post about all things positive. I am heading on a 10 day vacation with all my friends so I really should be feeling great and I am. However, I am also feeling a bit anxious that when I get back I will be going back to work and my new position.

Name three things in your life that make you happy and positive.

Family and friends are automatic, I am very grateful for supportive friends and family.  As much as my career can challenge me at times it is a positive in my life. I feel like I am doing what God wants me to when I am working with children. I feel like I make a difference. Music can take you on a journey of emotions. I love music and can’t sit still to a good beat. In fact, if no one wants to dance I will dance by myself. I love to sing and will sometimes spend an hour or more doing karaoke on youtube. I also love making a small space pretty it could be adding fresh flowers or an elegant towel. When I walk by the special touch it makes me smile.

What do you do to try and be more positive?

When I am not feeling positive I try to talk it out with someone. If I am not able to do that I look for inspiring quotes. Sometimes I have to remind myself how far I have come in my physical and emotional recovery as a cancer survivor. The quickest reality check into being more positive is to remind myself how much more challenging people lives are then mine. Then I am just so grateful for everything.

What do you do to relax?

For everyday relaxing I watch TV, hang out with friends, read, write my blog, go outside. If I am having anxiety I need to do activities that are distracting like cleaning the house and organizing closets and drawers or working on a specific project. These distractions help me relax.

What is your favourite positive quote?

There are so many good ones, it is hard to pick just one!

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Everyone has a part of their body that they dislike, say something positive about yours.

This can be challenging at times because when I got cancer I felt like my body failed me and I didn’t trust it anymore. I am still working on that trust relationship. For physical appearance I like my eyes, legs, bust. I recently started seeing my larger bust as an asset.

Who are your positive role models?

Mother Teresa  was selfless.

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I have so much to be positive about grateful for!

Goddess on the Beach….follow up

I did it, I went shopping for the bathing suit. It wasn’t an experience from hell Thank you GOD but here is why; I didn’t try to be something I am not. I knew if I tried on suits that looked great on the hangers and models that they would look awful on me and I would take a hit to my self esteem and body shame myself at great length. So, I decided to go to a plus clothing store because I knew they would have suits that would suit all the parts of my body I don’t like showing off and I got really lucky! I was able to find a suit that plays up my best features breast, buttocks and legs and hides my less desirable feature the belly. I dream of a flat tummy, I always have even as a teen, I just don’t have one nor will I ever.  I tried on the smallest size (yes, I had to  say that)  and I actually came out of the dressing room. Man, I would have pranced through the store if I could have. Look if the guys and gals are not checking out my rack in this suit and their eyes avert to my midsection well how do you say it?  It’s not you, it’s me. I would say it is not me, it’s you! LOL. I know now you are dying to see me in this suit! Well, I hope to get a shot when I am at the beach in our upcoming camping trip for now you will have to look at the model  picture I found.

This top with the skirt bottom and I also have the high waisted bottoms ( purchased previously) as well. The top and skirt bottom was 132.00 CAD

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