Younger Self

My oldest son turns 16 years old tomorrow. Milestones, like this one get you thinking about how much time has gone by and of course how quickly times goes by. When Nick was born I fell head over heels in love. Literally! Who knew what joy a little version of yourself, offspring could be. I don’t think my mother loved me like that but who knows. I am glad I loved like that.

Looking through some photos of him as a baby I came across this one.

(no make up, no filters, smiling 🙂 , in love)

Nick Baby

I was a bit sad to see a spark in my eye that I didn’t see in a recent selfie I had taken of myself.

15 years plus a few months later……

(Recent Selfie-no make up Monday, no filters, no smile )

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At first, I felt sad about that missing spark I perceived. Ultimately, I know I am really just being hard on myself. Then, I wondered, what would I tell this younger version of myself today and so I wrote..

You knew the moment you found out you were pregnant what a special love you had and the joy that followed was more than you imagined. While you already knew life wasn’t all rainbows and pink cotton candy. You knew the birth of a child, your child was a new beginning, a new start. An opportunity, to love and experience love, a complete unconditional love. In the moments, right after birth, you knew it wasn’t just about you anymore. Your child first and your were second and that was perfectly okay. Most things you worried about before the birth, were not nearly as important. What a relief that was. A fresh breeze. A state of happiness. Your child’s happiness, well being and upbringing was in the forefront. Your mission was to raise a child that knew he was loved and cared for, no matter what. Something, you didn’t feel you had. Your mission was to raise a child that would have no fear showing affection, crawling into bed with you, never would he be afraid or doubt your love. Your child would have know a loving, kind mother. A mother who’s  eyes brightened when you walked in the room and wouldn’t hesitate to scoop you up in open welcoming arms.

You never knew that a couple years later you would be in the fight of your life. That the shock of such news would shake you to your very core. You didn’t know that your children would be the ones that gave you purpose to rise every morning. You had a mission! Your children needed you.

Shaken to the core you were. You had no idea the long term effects socially, emotionally and physically. But you fought, fought, fought and continue to fight! Fall down seven times, get up eight.

While some of your carefree innocence and spark faded with your fight, your love for your children only grew, your life adventures multiplied, you pushed through fear after fear and you learned to be truly grateful, less self-fish and have compassion and kindness for others. The mission you set for motherhood never faulted, didn’t fail. The gratitude you have for each day with your children  makes your heart overflow. Your relationship with God and faith is solid.

Your spark maybe more cautious and more mature with riding the waves of life but I’m proud of you. Maturity, isn’t all the bad. Don’t ever let anyone take away from you your struggles, your victories, for they know not the shoes you wore. Be grateful for those who shared the road. Continue to be grateful and celebrate all occasions in style.  Continue with your Mom mission you are doing a great job!

 

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What I have learned about blogging.

Having been blogging for over a year now you learn a few things a long the way. Here is what I have learned, where I am, and my thoughts.

  1. If you want to blog about beauty even occasionally you are going to spend a lot of money. Beauty blogging is popular and informative. I really enjoy reading about new products and trying new things. When I see several people rave about the same product I am usually hooked and it goes on my wish list. My highest ratings on are beauty posts.  It is however going to cost you money because unless you are willing to put in the time and effort to take your blog to the next level companies are not going to be sending you free product. If you start beauty blogging to receive free product, it is probably not going to happen over night and it takes a lot of work. In the last year or so I have been contacted by a few companies wanting free post and advertising and thanks to fellow bloggers I turn them down because I don’t work for free. If beauty is your passion and you are buying product anyway go for it, but it is easy to get caught up in the deals and bonuses and always, always new products to try. Beauty blogging must be a dream come true for companies. I am sure it increases their sales significantly.
  2. If you want to increase your traffic photos are everything. People are visual and you hook them with good photos.  I purchased a new camera and have yet to really learn how to use it. I don’t have the skills or time to create the amazing photos I see on some blogs. I still hope to get there, someday.
  3. Blogs and writers come and go, some never to return. Many people blog as a creative outlet ( like me! ). They have big, busy lives outside of the computer and sometimes that life takes over and blogging gets put on the back burner. I wish I could write more because I started this blog to write about all the great things in my life, its purpose was to celebrate all things I love and enjoy and I want to document those things. I really enjoy writing about my adventures with my family and personal growth but of course real life takes over sometimes and what is wrong with that?!
  4. New blogs are popping up all the time and sometimes you lose contact with those you have started to communicate with as their real life took over and now the blogging world you once knew is completely different and feels like a room full of strangers. That can make you feel like you have to start forming relationships all over to keep your readership alive. Which brings me to the next 2 points.
  5. If you want a “number” successful blog, it takes time, dedication, consistency and hard work. It doesn’t happen overnight and life can’t take over. I think it is possible as many succeed.  I personally don’t have the drive to take my blog to the next level, at this time, I am not driven, it is not a personal goal. I am in awe of those bloggers that have created a business and career of blogging.
  6. Remember why you started blogging in the first place, go back to your roots. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone wanted to listen and read your posts all the time? Who doesn’t want to be heard? Who doesn’t want what they have to say be heard by others? We want to be listened to. We want to be liked. Humans want validation.We want our words and self to be valued. Personally, I have to remember this blog for me is creative expression and documentation of all things good.

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Oh Christmas Tree

 

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She sat in the darkened room with silence all around her. Except it wasn’t complete darkness, it never is, thankfully. She knows for some people darkness consumes them and they don’t even have the energy to kick their feet and swim to the surface. They float below the water’s surface holding their breath until their lungs hurt. For some lucky ones they are pulled to the surface and life is breathed back into them, not all at once but one breath at a time. Others open their mouth and let the water seep in, finally taking a breath and filling their lungs with cool, clean water.

But I said she sits in a darkened room not a dark room. This room is filled with a soft glow, that is warm and inviting. It is a familiar glow that fills the room for a short season. When she sits it is hard for her not to feel melancholy, she see chapter two of her life displayed in the glow and among the branches. First Christmas’, family vacations, her wedding. Her children growing Daniel 2003, Daniel 2006, Daniel 2011, last year a simple D for Daniel, this year a StarWars storm trooper.

She wonders how this perfect glow of warmth and peace can be captured forever, how this moment can remain and not be broken. She knows broken, she knows fear, deep parlaying fear and she is overwhelmed with gratitude that she has been pulled from the just below the water’s surface and life breathed back into her one breath at a time.

 

Excerpt From A Novel I am not Writing

photo-1429117237875-aa29229d99f0She immediately shuts the door behind her as she enters the apartment. She leans against the closed door trying to catch her breath having run up the nine flights of stairs. Choking back the tears she crumples to the floor and the tears flow freely. Her eyes have betrayed her. He has betrayed her. Life has betrayed her. The tears become sobs and she has trouble catching her breath. She opens her mouth to let out a silent scream. Despite her anguish she doesn’t need her neighbours calling the cops at least she still has some wits about her she thinks to herself. She has never felt so raw, a gaping wound in the centre of her chest. She takes off her purse and pulls off her leather coat and black heels and crawls to her bedroom on her hands and knees but instead of making her way into bed she goes and huddles in the corner of the room. Her eyes have adjusted to the darkness and the lights from outside give the room an eery yellow glow. She feels safe in the corner of her room.  Here she can hide and she feel protected by the walls pressed against her back. Just like she did when she was a scared child, hiding in her room with her hands over her ears trying to block out her mother screaming at her brother. Wanting it to stop, praying for it to stop but what could she do?  She hears her mother’s voice now inside her head, “I told you so. Use you up and throw you out that’s what men do”.  “Oh fuck off, Mother”, she thinks to herself. But the voice doesn’t stop and she feels worthless and used.  She closes her eyes and the scene comes to life before her eyes.

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When Your Mother Didn’t Mother

photo-1419090960390-4969330366abIf we are living and breathing on planet earth we have a mother by definition but we know that the woman that births us may only be mother by definition. Not all mothers mother and this may happen for many reasons. Sometimes a young mother makes the ultimate sacrifice for her child and decided to have another mother her child. Sometimes a mother was never mothered and doesn’t know how to mother. Sometimes a mother does the best she can and sometimes she doesn’t. How do you become a good mother? How many times have we heard mothers say they didn’t leave the hospital with a manual? Do you need to have good mothering modelled? Or do you learn from your mother everything not to do? Do you say to yourself I will be everything that she is not? When you hold your first child in your arms and feel this incredible love like no other do you wonder if this is how your mother felt about you? Do you wonder how your mother could lie to you? When holding your child your heart is exposed and open and you know that your love with be eternal, pure and honest. How your child’s pain is your pain and that words will hurt and destroy her innocence, confidence and self-worth. How you will spend your days mothering by building confidence, self-esteem and never not for one second will she ever question your love for her. In fact she will be so sure of it that she will never fear you or ever ever say she hates you. She will know that nearly every mothering moment was spent discovering how to make you feel like one of the most important people in her world. When she looks back on her childhood there will be no pain but only the fondest of memories. And as she grows and become an adult she knows the mothering doesn’t stop and she treasures the past, present and future relationship with you. There is the kindest of mutual respect and when she looks at you she thanks you for all you have given and sacrificed and you look at her and wonder how did you get so lucky and blessed when your mother didn’t mother.

Why I must find positive in 13.

Unknown 1We all know about the reputation of the number 13 but I for one can not dwell on hundreds of years of superstitions. I live in a house that address is 13 we must get along, we need to be best friends. I can’t let the number nag at me. I will admit that I can’t set the TV volume on 13 it can be 12 or 14 but not 13, even if 13 is the perfect volume. I must challenge that this weekend. For all other, here is why 13 is fabulous.

1. 13 is the beginning to your teens and we know how much fun the teen years can be. It is at 13 that you really start to come into yourself and the journey of learning about yourself begins.

2. 13 is a bakers dozen. Why have 12 cookies or donuts when you can have 13? The more the merrier.

3. First Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. That one speaks for itself.

4.My birthday is on the 14th just one day after 13th.

5. It is Taylor Swift’s lucky number and her birthday is December 13. I’d say her lucky number has served her well.

6. Zeus was the 13th and MOST powerful Greek God. Thus 13 represents incorruptible nature, power and purity.

7. Each side in rugby has 13 players. What a sport!

8. The number 13 is lucky for Italians. What an amazing place and culture I so want to visit there.

9.Some aboriginal tribes defined the year into 13 moons and the back of a turtle has 13 large segments which represent each moon. I love when science works!

10. Not all sets are 12. Take this one for example Cuisinart 13 Piece Set. One of many sets I am sure.

11. I for one have never believed in any Friday the 13th movies. I am not even sure I have ever watched one.

12. There are countless songs, books, movies and one store I know of called Lucky 13. They have all LUCKILY been published, produced, directed, read, sang, shopped.

13. And finally I was able to come up with a list of 13 things as to why 13 Is fabulous and not be feared. CRANK UP THE VOLUME.

Trust

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Trust

an invisible bond, a contract, sealed in blood with a prick of a finger

broken, but never should be

broken becomes the broken

unrepairable?

maybe

recovery, regain, but how?

distrust, guarded, protective

heart of ice

heart of fire

Betrayal

an invisible bond, a contract sealed with eternal heartbreak